I hate distance.I hate time difference. Being a part of them are probably the most challenging things I have to face for the past few years and lately they’re getting on my nerves a lot. Seems like sooner the time is coming, the easier it is to break the patience and get so annoyed and frustrated. The tendency to give up and care less is more. As much as I believe God has put me in this situation to put my patience into test, there’s a part of me that wonders why (though I know I’m not supposed to question what has already been written). Sigh, sorry for the short rant.
The main challenge I have everyday is not knowing who am I as a person.
Yes, I am a daughter, a sister, a grandchild, a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a teacher and a stranger in this world. Knowing that I am labeled as either one of those mentioned, it is an irony for me not knowing who I am as a whole. Some people know who I am as a person on the surface and some people know who I am, from the words I say or what I do.
I have conversations with myself for almost everyday. I ask questions and reflect on my life, of which I find pathetic. This whole “not knowing who I am” thing is draining me out. It absorbs negative thoughts and feelings, which takes up energy. As such, I think I have become this grumpy tiny girl who has not figure out how to be a real, classy lady (or at least to look my age).
I find myself being in the same state for a pretty long time and feelings deteriorating from bad to worst. I see others blooming and people around me progressing, moving or on the way to achieve better things. While I just look on, figuring my life out and not being able to make up my mind. Call it whatever you want but I find this depressing.
It has come to the point when I just do not feel like going out from the house or even sometimes from the room. I do not want to communicate or come in contact with anyone. For everyday, I struggle with myself. I struggle with my own thoughts and feelings, of how I look, as well as what I think people perceive of me.
Sometimes we just wish that answers will come immediately or we know what we should do but we also know that god is the greatest. We face all of these confusing phases and signs, so as to use our brain and figure things out. To grow and be who we are meant to be.
It is not now but I need some time, to learn how to love myself, knowing what I am capable of and being the best version or giving enough to the people I love.
Feel like I’m being too hard on myself most of the time. Too much negativity around that cause me to be part of it as well. Maybe I need a break from everything that I’m involving myself in. Not for a while but for a long time. I know that the quote above has probably no link to my post but just thought of sharing it. Each time I have a bad day and I feel the negative energy creeps in me, I see those words and it seems like things are not as bad as it is. However still, although each day is different and time is moving forward, the situations and people remain the same.
Deep inside, I yearn for the day when I’m able to know exactly where I want to be and to be able to see the vast amount of beauty this earth has got to offer. It has been too long. Instead of thinking and asking myself “What am I doing here?” everyday, I yearn for the day when my mind and heart are free from doubts. To feel purposeful.
I want to take a trip and travel to experience, not a holiday to get away.
The last few days of the previous week made me missed having 3 iftar sessions with my parents. All due to hectic and long work schedules which made me and some of my colleagues stayed till late as past 10pm (crazy, I know). This year Ramadhan is slightly different for me as my sis has already moved out and my brother is seldom at home. So one night of not being with them for iftar makes me feel a certain void that I cannot explain. It makes me want to spend these little moments with them for as long as it last.
Ramadhan is so special and almost half of it is gone now. Wondering if I’m making good use of it so far
If you want to leave, leave quietly.
If you want to stay, stay sincerely.
If you want to speak, speak selectively.
If you want to act, act accordingly.
Have a blessed last few days of Ramadan.
Truth is, I’m struggling with what’s inside. At times, it can get real tough having to stand alone not having any kind of affirmative and feeling unsure of everything around you. When these things pulls me down and as uncertainty hovers on me, the past begins to haunt my mind. It’s just odd that what happens years ago can still give a pinch of sadness to the little thing inside. And as upsetting it was back then, there’s a joy of hope that is constantly pushing itself to be felt within the cloudy arrays of emotions. It takes courage to build yourself up again and time to recover. With that, comes faith – to believe,again and again.
As at the end of the day, we need to be reminded of our purpose in this life and where we’ll be going when our time is up. Remember, people come and go. There’s no such thing as permanency. And if there’s one thing we should value, it’s ‘time’.
This is perhaps one of those weird nights I have, sitting, wondering.. thinking why am I not in bed, sleeping. Pardon me for the ridiculous grammars but you know what? It’s Mother Language’s Day anyway and English isn’t my native language. Enjoy your weekend and may peace be upon you.