The main challenge I have everyday is not knowing who am I as a person.
Yes, I am a daughter, a sister, a grandchild, a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a teacher and a stranger in this world. Knowing that I am labeled as either one of those mentioned, it is an irony for me not knowing who I am as a whole. Some people know who I am as a person on the surface and some people know who I am, from the words I say or what I do.
I have conversations with myself for almost everyday. I ask questions and reflect on my life, of which I find pathetic. This whole “not knowing who I am” thing is draining me out. It absorbs negative thoughts and feelings, which takes up energy. As such, I think I have become this grumpy tiny girl who has not figure out how to be a real, classy lady (or at least to look my age).
I find myself being in the same state for a pretty long time and feelings deteriorating from bad to worst. I see others blooming and people around me progressing, moving or on the way to achieve better things. While I just look on, figuring my life out and not being able to make up my mind. Call it whatever you want but I find this depressing.
It has come to the point when I just do not feel like going out from the house or even sometimes from the room. I do not want to communicate or come in contact with anyone. For everyday, I struggle with myself. I struggle with my own thoughts and feelings, of how I look, as well as what I think people perceive of me.
Sometimes we just wish that answers will come immediately or we know what we should do but we also know that god is the greatest. We face all of these confusing phases and signs, so as to use our brain and figure things out. To grow and be who we are meant to be.
It is not now but I need some time, to learn how to love myself, knowing what I am capable of and being the best version or giving enough to the people I love.