Final Arrival

In about an hour time, he’ll reach here. InshaAllah. And this is after last Dec ’15 that we last met and seen each other. My mind is full of thoughts and my heart is full of emotions. I’m nervous/excited/shy but MOSTLY EXCITED to finally see him. Time flies. I remember the time when we said our goodbyes at the airport not really knowing when we’ll be able to see each other again. But now, I’m anxiously waiting and heading to the airport to surprise him. 

Time wasn’t really on our side for the last few years but we hanged on and were granted patience. Hence, for now may this two weeks be easy for the both of us and our families to unite in the name of Allah. 

Till then 🙂

I am Okay

He and I spent a few hours on the phone today. It was not just a normal phone conversation, it was like a so-called ‘date’. He set aside a time in the morning just to talk while I embraced the quiet afternoon in the house, just to hear us exchanging words. I do not remember him or me proposing a specific time for us to call and talk just to spend some time “together” lol. Ok put this aside.

We discussed about the wedding and whenever we talk about this, I cannot help but feel a tiny bit sense of worry. I cannot visualize how it will look like and keep wondering if this is going to happen. You see, we are very short of time to the planned date yet there has been no finalisation. People over here would enquire and book vendors or locations way in advance, sometimes one year before or more than that (?!) So I guess I am not kiasu at all. I think we are probably one of the most lepak or relaxed people when it comes to wedding preparation. However, maybe if he is here in the same place, that would have make me more enthusiastic. MAYBE, haha. Anyway, do not ask how is the progress for each time I meet my good friend or sister, they will keep asking the same thing and I will be …changing the topic :D. But rest assured, if Allah’s willing, it will go as intended.

By the way, in case anyone is wondering (yes if there is anyone interested or reading this lol), despite doing long-distance for about 3 years, we have never do video calls/skype before. Hence, the phone call. So why no video calls? Because we just do not feel comfortable about it. Yes, maybe it would have lessen the feeling of (ehem) missing and building unnecessary emotions or mood swings. But hey, I am (truthfully) a shy person. Ya.. I get easily shy for almost any situation hence the idea of having someone to look at me in the screen is intimidating. Thankfully, both of us think similarly when it comes to this and yes, we survived without succumbing to the common way of communicating in ldr *thank god for whatsapp/email though* 🙂

Till then!

 

Forget

Just so you know, I forget that I am being loved everyday. I forget that I have a home to go to everyday. I forget that my family is still by my side everyday. I forget that I am still able to see beautiful faces, the clouds, trees and read messages everyday. I forget that I am still able to hear my loved ones’ voices. I forget that I am able to walk everyday. I forget that I still have my hands to help me do my tasks everyday. I forget that I am served with food and able to eat everyday. I forget that I able to sleep on the bed everyday.

I forget that I’m still here and still living.

Because with all the chaos outside and within, I forget to love, everyday.

 

A person

The main challenge I have everyday is not knowing who am I as a person.

Yes, I am a daughter, a sister, a grandchild, a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a teacher and a stranger in this world. Knowing that I am labeled as either one of those mentioned, it is an irony for me not knowing who I am as a whole. Some people know who I am as a person on the surface and some people know who I am, from the words I say or what I do.

I have conversations with myself for almost everyday. I ask questions and reflect on my life, of which I find pathetic. This whole “not knowing who I am” thing is draining me out. It absorbs negative thoughts and feelings, which takes up energy. As such, I think I have become this grumpy tiny girl who has not figure out how to be a real, classy lady (or at least to look my age).

I find myself being in the same state for a pretty long time and feelings deteriorating from bad to worst. I see others blooming and people around me progressing, moving or on the way to achieve better things. While I just look on, figuring my life out and not being able to make up my mind. Call it whatever you want but I find this depressing.

It has come to the point when I just do not feel like going out from the house or even sometimes from the room. I do not want to communicate or come in contact with anyone. For everyday, I struggle with myself. I struggle with my own thoughts and feelings, of how I look, as well as what I think people perceive of me.

Sometimes we just wish that answers will come immediately or we know what we should do but we also know that god is the greatest. We face all of these confusing phases and signs, so as to use our brain and figure things out. To grow and be who we are meant to be.

It is not now but I need some time, to learn how to love myself, knowing what I am capable of and being the best version or giving enough to the people I love.

 

Different

Everyday I can’t help thinking that he deserves so much better.

To compare me and him, is like comparing a single star and the moon

The star does not give you light but the moon makes you feel alive.

And because he’s the kind of perfect, who deserves all the love and beauty in this life.

May

May has always been a month that I dread since young. Always full of exams, extra work and events. These few days have been overwhelming, rushing, content and emotional at the same time.

Finally my sis is married to the man that she loves, Alhamdulillah. No words can describe how I felt at that moment when it was official. No, I did not teared (in denial).

On the other hand, another year passed and I’m still here seeing thoughtful words from few old and new people. Thank you 🙂

May the next several weeks be better. Better to cope.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I get tired. I want to give up. I get frustrated. I don’t want to try. I want to run away from it. Sometimes, I wish I’m not in this situation. I get weak. I think about the past and get afraid of the present. I list the differences and choose not to see any similarities. I don’t like hoping. I don’t want to trust.

And sometimes, I don’t want to give. Afterall, I’m just a little human.