As I’m writing this post, I’m trying to get my fingers to be familiarized with the keyboard that is french-oriented; took me about a minute to type out this one sentence. Apart from that, I’m sitting on the room’s floor in the kind of darkness that gives a melancholic feeling. It’s almost dusk and it was raining with heavy winds right before this. To add on to this atmosphere, I’m listening to the Interstellar’s main soundtrack. With the already quiet and calm surrounding, I feel a pinch of sadness as I realized again that it’s my birthday today. It’s the first time that I’m spending my birthday far away from home, the place I grew up in, away from the familiar sights and places. To think I used to envy people who get to spend their birthdays on a trip or go somewhere as a treat for them. But today, I find myself yearning to spend some time with my dear family or close friends – even if it’s at home. I miss them even more as I’m writing this. While I do admit that there’s a part of me that still wants to spend a solo quiet time somewhere outside just because I’m used to doing this for the past few years. Not being able to see the husband for almost the entire day even for today, due to hectic work and long journeys does not really help much too.
Nevertheless, I’m thankful for the opportunity to be able to live this far and witness my life taking a different turn. I’m content but that does not mean I feel great entirely. It’s different when loneliness eats you up but I’ll be okay 🙂 For now, let me spend my day of turning twenty-eight with a mind that wanders to moments and places I’m familiar with as my heart misses the people I love while my body is sitted in a foreign place. A foreign place that I’m slowly beginning to call home.
In my heart I’m saying, “goodbye”.
I hope you understand why I’m thinking of the worst that could happen, most of the time.
I’m so close to giving up,
Even when I get up each day.
I’m so close to losing hope,
As I can’t figure out my way.
But please, let me not give up my faith,
For it’s the only thing that prevents me from being astray.
P.S. May you have a blessed Eid with your loved ones
These days, I’ve been so occupied with work and finishing tasks to rush deadlines with days filled up with the children’s crazy attitudes (they’re still my little best friends though). I’m so e x h a u s t e d. As much as I’m going to miss teaching them actually, I’m looking forward to the days when the only worry I have is what food to eat. Ha, kidding. There are other personal matters that I need to work on in the upcoming days, InshaAllah. And my deen is definitely one of them 😶
On a side note, five months ago (yes, where did all the time goes to!), I was somewhere on the other side of the world to meet with one of my favourite people. Considering how messed up my life is right now, I’m always trying to remind myself of how fortunate I am to know and be loved by this human being for quite a long period of time. Despite the distance (plus the countless numbers of unnecessary dramas and arguments). Thank you for being someone whom my parents can believe in and for sticking by, idiot. Haha 🙂
Never mind if the picture does not focus on our mysterious shadows or is not related to whatever that I’ve written.
Current feeling: Don’t wish to meet or see anybody (apart from family) for the next probably many months or year.. (but i still have to, for work). Can I just hibernate and work on my personal stuff by myself?
Current thoughts: Throwing chairs and smash tables or walls in a room.
I’m so full of anxiety and fear. My heart (literally) hurts a little, probably because of all these mixed emotions.
Tonight reminds me of my hatred for feeling a sense of attachment to anything in this world. It reminds me of the saying “Don’t get too attached to any moments in this life, as they will pass”. Because at the end of the day, none will matters although moments do make memories and it’s either nice or not. Whatever we gives our mind to think about will gives our heart to feel. Those feelings are either nice or not, too. From these feelings, we decide on accepting and allowing the things and people we desire to be in our life. By choosing to give our trust and hopes in these, comes plenty of circumstances.
Life as it is.
Ok now I feel like getting a bike (bicycle, not motorcycle which I wish I’m allowed to though) and cycling away from this usual routine. Maybe to put my phone away as well, to avoid any human interactions or overwhelming selfies I’ve been seeing lately (ok I admit I do take one or two, too).
Have a good last few days of Syawal.