Even in the darkest time, my mum manage to watch her favourite cooking show and read the newspaper as usual, pull a joke or tease and smile like nothing is wrong. While I dread the thought of being home these days yet at the same time I know I have nowhere else to go. And I still try to find peace within. My home is supposed to be the safest place but now, it feels like the opposite. I planned that at this period of time is the time when I would be calm and settled. But three months later and two to go yet the waves are getting higher and it reflects only the beginning of a storm. I am hoping and praying that things will get better in the time to come and that we will be braver and stronger together.
In my heart I’m saying, “goodbye”.
He and I spent a few hours on the phone today. It was not just a normal phone conversation, it was like a so-called ‘date’. He set aside a time in the morning just to talk while I embraced the quiet afternoon in the house, just to hear us exchanging words. I do not remember him or me proposing a specific time for us to call and talk just to spend some time “together” lol. Ok put this aside.
We discussed about the wedding and whenever we talk about this, I cannot help but feel a tiny bit sense of worry. I cannot visualize how it will look like and keep wondering if this is going to happen. You see, we are very short of time to the planned date yet there has been no finalisation. People over here would enquire and book vendors or locations way in advance, sometimes one year before or more than that (?!) So I guess I am not kiasu at all. I think we are probably one of the most lepak or relaxed people when it comes to wedding preparation. However, maybe if he is here in the same place, that would have make me more enthusiastic. MAYBE, haha. Anyway, do not ask how is the progress for each time I meet my good friend or sister, they will keep asking the same thing and I will be …changing the topic :D. But rest assured, if Allah’s willing, it will go as intended.
By the way, in case anyone is wondering (yes if there is anyone interested or reading this lol), despite doing long-distance for about 3 years, we have never do video calls/skype before. Hence, the phone call. So why no video calls? Because we just do not feel comfortable about it. Yes, maybe it would have lessen the feeling of (ehem) missing and building unnecessary emotions or mood swings. But hey, I am (truthfully) a shy person. Ya.. I get easily shy for almost any situation hence the idea of having someone to look at me in the screen is intimidating. Thankfully, both of us think similarly when it comes to this and yes, we survived without succumbing to the common way of communicating in ldr *thank god for whatsapp/email though* 🙂
During this busy period, where I’m staying back at work till late at night and sacrificing my weekends for the upcoming assessment, my mind keeps flashing back to the face I have been wanting to see and the sceneries I miss.
I miss the long walks, mosque huntings, grocery shoppings, catching up with the lost time and the ride home. Basically, everything about the time there and winter made it more magical.
Time is pretty tight now and my schedule is not helping with my already overwhelming emotions. Besides all this, am thankful that I still get to see my mum for a bit even when I reach home close to midnight at times and still see my dad when he sends me to work every morning 🙂
(I know it’s not that wow but this is one of the places that came to my mind) Just a normal big field area where only a few children were seen to be playing, at a suburb neighbourhood area
All I want to do right now is to either run away from every person I know, to a place where they can never see me again or to just wrap myself up with the blanket and disappear for a very long time.
I don’t want to care anymore neither do I want to love. Caring too much apparently has led me to upset others. And this upsets me. I’ve been taught to be selfless and care for others but you can never do so to everyone.
In the end I’ll always wonder, are you going to miss me when I’m gone?
I hope you understand why I’m thinking of the worst that could happen, most of the time.