I’m both eager for the time to move fast forward and strongly hesitant for it to reach the near future. I’m comfortable of where I am and how things are going now but at the same time, I want some massive changes to happen. Change is good right, they say. I have yet to make any concrete plans and am even far from being where I’m ought to be. I’m so clueless. I’m clearly in denial and refuse to accept some facts.
At times, I wonder why do I bring myself in to this situation or why I make silly decisions, which I often think twice (or more) about afterwards.
Yah they say, “Go for it” or “Do what you want” bla bla bla. Easier said than done. I’m truly aware of all this. I’m aware of the time I have to do what I want or what I wish to. But too often I think about the people around me and the conditions I have to consider. I think about what is more important in my life. I’m aware that sometimes we need lots of money to do what we want, we have so much ideas and things we want to do and I’m pretty much aware too that this life is so short.. there is no guarantee that we will have many years to live. Part of me want to pursue some things while part of me just want to live somewhere and settle with my very own farm (and family), all without wasting much time. If only life is that easy, ey?
On the other hand, only God knows the number of times I went to check for flight tickets to certain places repeatedly or anywhere random and almost buy one from just one click but obviously I cancelled or let it linger for as long as till the session expires. All because of the number of considerations I have to make. I’m afraid of so many things. I’m afraid of the risks I’m going to make. I’m afraid of all the feelings I’m going to have when that happen.
I compare myself too much with others. I’m the worst critic of myself. I judge myself too often. I envy people every now and then for who they are, for what they have become etc . Of all this, I’m aware that true happiness comes within ourselves. Ironically, I battle with my own feelings and mind to truly appreciate who I am, as a person. To be content with what and who I have everyday. I struggle to find my reason to live. I’m questioning myself everyday of why I’m still here and for what purpose has He given me, to wake up every morning and go through the day. But above all, I still hope that my faith is strengthen because yes, just like a normal human being, I’m weak.
I’m unsure of this random post too. Sorry (anyone?), for the rant though I hope it does not sound like one.
So, how’s your life like right now (anyone?)? I hope it’s better than mine.
Ok till then.