I may be exaggerating at this point but I’ve yet to reach the acceptance stage. This stage means the terms of understanding and having complete faith of why things happen and feeling indifference towards certain events/ things or person. I’ve been through this again and again, yet I fail to overcome it within a short time.
I’ve been wanting to deal with my insecurities ever since forever. There are times when I feel good about myself but most of the times, my self-esteem and confidence are bruised to the lowest point it can ever reach. I’m overly small, skinny (you can see my veins and bones sticking out), extremely short (shorter than your 5 year olds nowadays), I have thin unkept hair, uneven eyes and set of teeth, huge nose, I don’t follow or have a good fashion sense (always wear the same set of clothes every week and only own 3 sets of shoes, one of which are already torn and broken), never neat (some clothes have holes, loose, too baggy etc), never really wear make-up (even if I do, it can’t be seen at all no matter how much I put), I always carry bulky heavy bag, I only have very few close friends, I don’t go to gigs/ cool shows/ cool places/up to date music, style or what’s not), I don’t talk much with people I’ve just met, I keep to myself and never really look at people in the eyes. People never actually notice me. I’ve got called ‘boring’ and ‘no life’ many times. I don’t know how people define those terms anyway. I definitely have a life, just that it always involve my quiet alone time, home with family, every now and then meet up with close friends, work, school and just work.
Now that I’ve mentioned some of these, I’m not sure if it makes me feel better or worst. Sure it makes me feel terrible most of the time but you know, a nice friend of mine said today, “You’re God’s creation. Why do you make yourself or others feel that way about you?” It’s all about people and the environment, isn’t it?
All these negativity going on inside me made me felt so dejected. However, I came to realize earlier (after class while walking to the bus-stop), that when everyone else leaves, He’s always there to stay. Always been.
And that assurance makes me feel better. Till then.