Can’t believe I just cooped myself up at home the entire Saturday. No, I didn’t sit on the couch gobbling junk goodies, watching chick flicks and swallowed in self-pity with electrocuted hair for feeling a little less miserable. Pardon me for my awful grammars or ‘suit myself’ language in here, it’s difficult to type and try to make sense when your mind is scattered everywhere trying to find the right words in the right corners.If it makes sense to you, well good.
Lately, it feels like I’m back to where it all started. Sorrowful instrumental songs, distracting myself with documentary shows and (trying) not to check any social media sites. Each time this happens, it just means something is not right. It’s obvious enough isn’t it? Trying to make sense out of everything, thinking and checking out sources for my major future plans. I’m close to just being spontaneous in booking a ticket to my dream destination at the end of the year. Before I left this out, had a little talk with mum over late lunch. Occasional conversation between her and me always evolves confessions. I confessed about what’s going on recently. So, I went on to bantered about how my other side has been eating me up slowly. What’s worse for her is, she has seen this other side of me for the umpteenth times. Suddenly I realized, that scenario of me holding back the tears in front of her, avoiding eye contact and articulating my thoughts while she calmly eat her plate of rice was familiar. She has been listening so much to my words, I forgot how much she’s suffering inside too. Her advice was the same but it makes sense all the time. How selfish am I?
At the end when I was silenced by her words, I told her about my dream in going to London (to step onto the Emirates Stadium) and the main issue, traveling alone. “I know it’s dangerous and I’m a girl but there’s always a first time for everything and we have to start somewhere. Right?” My exact words. She finished up washing the dishes, keeping silent. After which seemed like a minute or so, she looked at me and nod. If that doesn’t makes me smile with glee, I don’t know what does. That kind of just add on to the reason why I felt better at the end of the day.
And though I didn’t do my usual weekend’s random bus trips and long walk, I actually did last night after my class. I even met and got to listen to the same busker whom I’d bumped to on my birthday. Yes, I spend my weekends alone most of the time (don’t judge). I’d like the company of my friends every now and then but it’s more of the freedom and discovery I get when I’m… alone. Ok you got me.
Gotta gear up for tomorrow, need to kick some ass (I mean ball). Have a beautiful Sunday everyone.