Honestly, I’m feeling a little under the weather lately and maybe right now. It doesn’t help that I didn’t had a good weekend. First and foremost, I feel terrible and a whole pound of sadness is in me as I missed out on one of my primary school’s friend, Atiqah’s wedding on Sunday. Saw her pictures and she looks beautiful, though she can’t see this I really wish the best for her marriage and god knows how happy I am for her. Despite us not meeting and catching up for years since we parted in primary school, I still vividly remember how we used to be close back then. I can actually still remember that I did went to her house few times to send her back when she broke her leg once. Fond memories of her (: Time flies and we’re all grown up now.
Being surrounded by people who are getting attached/ engaged/ married somehow makes me wonder about when will it be my turn. But I know, i don’t have the right to question. Take it that I’m just envious of these beautiful things and I’ll never know if I ever get the chance to meet the right person and throw a wedding ceremony like how every girl wish for. You watch movies, dramas, read stories or even know of someone who’s going through that and you’ll always think about yours at the back of your mind each time.
Anyway, put all that aside I’m feeling thankful for some reason at the same time. Thankful for the people who has stay and appreciate. Whatever happened on saturday’s night gave me a wake up call. Till now, the response I got has been disturbing my mind. To the extend that I’m starting to think what I had decided on initially wasn’t what I really want. It gives me the phase of wanting to avoid seeing people for now. I’m seeking answers and peace inside.
I wish so much to be close to God but I know of how much more I need to learn and practice to be forgiven of whatever I did wrong. I don’t wear the hijab, I’ve still yet to learn about the verses in the Quran, I make mistakes everyday, I still gets angry at my parents and loved ones, I missed fajr‘ prayers most of the time, I don’t spend my free time reading about our Prophets, religion and doing charity stuffs, I don’t attend religious class. I’ve a lot to learn and do but all I know is that, I want to be with among the people He loves. Yes, I do get remarked at for what I am and yes again, it hurts when people judge me for how I’m dressed or at my character. Nobody gets what’s on my mind, what I’m thinking every minute. I don’t usually express much to anyone. But at the end of the day, when this heavy heart of mine is yearning to cry out and couldn’t hold on any longer, I know I can just open up and trust in Him to hear this silence inside me.
I’m hoping for a better tomorrow, hope for yours too. May peace be upon you.