the fear you live with in your mind

I think i should be asleep by now but i am going to wait for the washing machine to stop first. Felt a little bit lousy today. I was close to finishing my mashed potato when the spoon drop at the roadside. If i’d listen to myself, i would have take an extra spoon. Everytime.. tsk.

So, today’s training, heed some advice from coach and suddenly, i find myself being so pessimistic about the whole thing. It make sense, it will be my last and i should do not try my best. And the fact that i was ironically advicing my other teammates about later, i realized that i should be happy, that i am given the oppurtunity to run and maybe, show how far i can do it. Maybe.

Back in secondary school, whenever i complained to rauf that i’m not ready, he always tell me straight, you are never ready. I guess the meaning behind it was that, i am never ready till i am at the starting point, seconds before everything will start.

I guess somewhere within me just have those fears that remain. Fears from what i had gained over the months and years. Seems like i can never let them go. This does not only apply for track but also for other parts of my life. What i had experienced. The fear of failure and disappointment. Other people may have that same fears but in my life, there are so much failures and disappointment that i had to go through, as a 20 yrs old, even if it takes me all alone.

This year’s IVP was a great disappointment for me after years. And the scenario i had after the whole race was unforgettable, which strongly remains in my mind. That 3000m which i thought was my strength turned out to be my weakness at that point of time. And the coincidence that this week’s track POL-ITE was the first and will be my last (hopefully), makes me realize that i have another chance of proving myself.

I don’t wish to put anymore hope or expectations in my education and running or anything, anymore. Because each time i hope for something, nothing turns out good for me. Remember how hard it was for me to enter poly? And now that i am close to graduating, insyallah, the more afraid i am. Just that fear in my mind, about the same thing going to happen again.

Then again i wonder, how long am i going to put all those barrier in my mind. Maybe it’ll take very long. I realize that everything that ever happen to me, change the way on how i look at things, differently.

Perhaps i should stop talking about all this already and check if the washing machine has stop. Wishing all the best to my fellow teammates who’s competing later. Cheer up rad.

Mornight world, takecare people (:

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