During this busy period, where I’m staying back at work till late at night and sacrificing my weekends for the upcoming assessment, my mind keeps flashing back to the face I have been wanting to see and the sceneries I miss.
I miss the long walks, mosque huntings, grocery shoppings, catching up with the lost time and the ride home. Basically, everything about the time there and winter made it more magical.
Time is pretty tight now and my schedule is not helping with my already overwhelming emotions. Besides all this, am thankful that I still get to see my mum for a bit even when I reach home close to midnight at times and still see my dad when he sends me to work every morning🙂
(I know it’s not that wow but this is one of the places that came to my mind) Just a normal big field area where only a few children were seen to be playing, at a suburb neighbourhood area
All I want to do right now is to either run away from every person I know, to a place where they can never see me again or to just wrap myself up with the blanket and disappear for a very long time.
I don’t want to care anymore neither do I want to love. Caring too much apparently has led me to upset others. And this upsets me. I’ve been taught to be selfless and care for others but you can never do so to everyone.
In the end I’ll always wonder, are you going to miss me when I’m gone?
I hope you understand why I’m thinking of the worst that could happen, most of the time.
Just so you know, I forget that I am being loved everyday. I forget that I have a home to go to everyday. I forget that my family is still by my side everyday. I forget that I am still able to see beautiful faces, the clouds, trees and read messages everyday. I forget that I am still able to hear my loved ones’ voices. I forget that I am able to walk everyday. I forget that I still have my hands to help me do my tasks everyday. I forget that I am served with food and able to eat everyday. I forget that I able to sleep on the bed everyday.
I forget that I’m still here and still living.
Because with all the chaos outside and within, I forget to love, everyday.
People I know are getting ready and almost prepared and I’m listening to their stories. In the meantime, I am nowhere near prepared or ready. In fact, nothing is being done. Progress is zero. Yet it’s important and time left, approximately 6 months. Sounds crazy and it is.
Pretty difficult when I feel like I’m on my own. As uncertain as it can feel at times, I’m in between being motivated through my mind and a whole lot on washing my hands off this. Yet I think about this every single day. And I even made an alternative plan if this does not work out. I’m trying to train my mind and heart to be mentally and emotionally ready for either ways.
Because at the end of the day, I just don’t want to put too much hope in this.
I’m so close to giving up,
Even when I get up each day.
I’m so close to losing hope,
As I can’t figure out my way.
But please, let me not give up my faith,
For it’s the only thing that prevents me from being astray.
P.S. May you have a blessed Eid with your loved ones
The only place I want to find comfort in right now is to be by my parents’ side. Because I know no matter how many times I can get angry or upset with them, they’ll never hurt me like how strangers or others do.
P. S. He never reads my blog so sometimes I feel foolish about even having the tiny bit of hope that someday he will. Just to know about how I feel on some days when I don’t feel like talking or.. Slightly more than what I would usually tell him. Here’s the best thing, I never “hint” about my blog to him even if I want to deep inside. But who cares, right?
So let us mind our matters by ourselves. I’m sorry for this personal story. Have a blessed week and Ramadan.